If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize