Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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