This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
