My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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