She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
