Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
