I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize