I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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