I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
