We named our party play list daddy issues
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
