3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
