I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
