You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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