OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
