brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
