I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
