WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
