i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
