Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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