Screwed.edu
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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