While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
it was like eating out sand paper
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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