don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
