Screwed.edu
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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