Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you inspire me to be a worse person
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
