you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Randomize