his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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