I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize