and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
