Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
His nipple licking is glorious
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