i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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