When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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