Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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