my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
