I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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