She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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