you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
