The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
