the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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