I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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