God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
