he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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