He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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