So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
