I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
