you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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