there's paper in my vomit.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
