if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
