Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
