I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
