He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
