I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
