Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
