At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
