in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
