i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
