morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
