I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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