i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
