Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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