I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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