i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
