In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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